Soon to be Book. Please tell me what you think

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Soon to be Book. Please tell me what you think

Postby Kazzen_ChaosKnight » Tue Jun 06, 2006 2:22 pm

Hey hey Dude's and Dudet's

Timer67 got me into this forum, so i'd thought i should probally post something sooner or later.

So providing it's all right with you I'd like to show you all a chapter or so of a story i want to make into a book

(Yes I know Timer, and Archrivel, that it's my background for LARP... but thats how it's gonna start)


So here it is.....




The "soon to be" amazing story....





It was a dark and dingy night, the rain was pouring down in an unholy fury, soaking any poor creature to the bone that was left in its path. Everyone in this land was safely inside his or her house apart from two shadows. These two shadows ran swiftly across the rooftops of the city, leaping over alleys and gaps between buildings. The taller of the two seemed to be the more experienced, as he soared over a chasm between structures, while the shorter one struggled to span the distance, and was barely keeping up.
Eventually they came to the huge castle, they could hear music coming from inside the stonewalls, there was a ball going on. The two scaled the walls, the shorter one with a considerable amount of difficultly, but they eventually made it to the top window and sat on the window ledge, it was so high up and badly positioned that the light didn’t quite reach them, so they sat comfortably and glared down at the party below. The taller more experienced assassin turned to the younger one and asked in a deep voice “ Point out the target to me” The smaller apprentice looked down, and hesitated for a moment before pointing to a highly dressed man standing near the middle of a crowd, “That one, in the red” she replied in a slightly shaky voice.
“Why?” He asks in the same deep queering voice.
“Because he fits the description we were given.” She replied turning her green eyes to him.
“Look closer” He said, leaning forward slightly. She moved closer, looking down at the man in red, squinting to help her concentrate. “It’s a disguise, he’s not our target.”
The tall man smiled and nodded in approval.
They continued to scan the hall until they found their target, hiding behind some guards and looking very unimportant in a corner. Then they waited. Watching his every movement, from the safety and secrecy of the highest window ledge.
The young apprentice, started thinking about how she got into this situation, it happened a few years ago, when she was five, living in a grand city wasn’t enough, you also had to have money. She was always being picked on for being wolf-kin (part wolf, part human), by all the kids that she saw, when ever she passed she was insulted about her freakish green wolf eyes, or her gray, white and black fur that covered her body, with abnormal markings around her eyes. Or her unusual pointy, wolf like ears. She hated them, with a passion. She had been named Valar which means courage and bravery after her mother had died during childbirth, her father, Tyrith worked hard to keep her well fed, but it wasn’t enough in such a huge city, and Valar often went hungry. She’d forage around at night for food, and would often steal from other people’s property to serve her own and her fathers aching stomach.


One night she was sneaking down the street, trying to avoid being seen, she crept as silently as she could back home, Valar didn’t want to be seen by the other children that had been picking on her. She managed to get all the way home without being seen, and just as she reached for the door handle, a dark figure dropped behind her, and put his strong hand on her shoulder and steered her through the door, into her own house. Her father took one look at the dark man and his face paled, he then told Valar to go to her room. She disappeared to her room and was kneeling at the door straining her little wolf like ears to hear what was happening. She heard her father blurt out a series of what sounded like whimpers in a hurried voice, this was followed by a deep humming noise of illegible words, which must have been the dark strangers voice. Then there was a silence. There was another low humming of words from the stranger followed by the noise of a door closing.
Valar cocked her head, what was that all about? She got up and went downstairs to find her father leaning against the table with a deathly look on his face. When Valar looked at him inquisitively, he straightened up and his face changed to a forced smile.
‘What was that all about?’ Valar asked politely.
‘…Nothing.’ Replied her father shakily ‘why don’t you go and play outside for a while?’
With that, Valar walked slowly out of the room towards the door, lingering and giving her father inquisitive worried looks all the way out.
It was obvious to anyone at that moment that whatever had happened was not ‘nothing’.
Over the following week, her father became abnormally solemn. All that Valar could remember about that week was that it seemed distinctly wrong and unnatural, like she had left her childhood world behind in those few moments… and there was no going back.
Exactly a week from when the stranger had came to the house, he appeared again.
Valar walked in through the simple wood door to her house and closed it with her back to the room. She sighed and was thinking about how dreary it had seemed lately and could hardly bear to turn around only to be confronted by that same dreariness in her father too.
When she eventually did turn around, it was not the sight that she had expected. The stranger was there again, just standing silently in the middle of the room, examining her in an unblinking gaze. Her father was nowhere to be seen.
For some reason, Valar didn’t feel scared, and just stared back at him openly.
Finally the stranger blinked, and shifted his weight. ‘I have come to take you.’
Valar stared at him some more and suddenly realized that this man was more than he seemed and comprehended further that she was going with him and there was nothing she could do about it. So instead of protesting, she accepted this and insisted to know where her father was.
“That is unimportant.” He stated, “Your father is no longer relevant to your new life.”
“New life?” asked Valar with nothing but curiosity in her voice.
“ Yes… I will inform you of more when we get to our destination.” He said absently “in the meantime, you must follow me.”
“ But where…?” Valar started.
“No more questions! Follow! I will answer all later” he interjected.
With that he slipped out of the open door and headed into the night.


“He’s leaving. Get ready!”
Valar opened her eyes and looked around, returning to the real world. She looked below and noticed the target leaving the hall amongst a huge crowd of people, all likely to be guards.
The taller assassin tapped her and then leapt silently over to a nearby rooftop then from there, he leapt to a lower rooftop and continued this till he was on a very small house overlooking the main street were the target would be going through. Valar followed quietly after and knelt beside her master, surveying the street below.
After a while he turned to Valar and launched into some hushed instructions.
“As it’s your first kill, ill make it easy for you. I will drop to the ground here,” he motioned towards a point a little way up the street “and I will distract the guards for you. If all goes well, I will be able to get them all to come and fight me, if not, then some of the guards will stay with our target, in which case it will make your job harder. You come out this alley” another hand motioning “Drop anyone that gets in your way, you don’t have to kill them although if you don’t, make sure they are down and do it quick. A slit of the throat will suffice for the target, he is completely useless in a fight so don’t worry. The aim will be to get in and out quickly and then be gone, I will meet you on the roof of the drunken archer inn, make your own way there.”
The tall man craned his head “they’re coming. Get to your position and remember, relax and use your training.”
Valar nodded her head and turned, all psyched and ready. The tall man put his hand on her shoulder.
“Good luck.” He said emotionlessly.





There you go everyone... Happy now? lol



The deadly ChaosKnight shall destroy your body and devour your Soul.

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Postby Archrival » Tue Jun 06, 2006 2:28 pm

coool cass it will be an excellent story
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Postby Rival » Tue Jun 06, 2006 2:46 pm

Fancy and all, but your ava's still too big kido.
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Postby Spike » Tue Jun 06, 2006 2:49 pm

Your avatar. OH GOD your avatar! SHRINK IT NOW.
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Re: Soon to be Book. Please tell me what you think

Postby Kazzen_ChaosKnight » Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:15 pm

Ah. this is better... Better name, smaller avatar.
w00t

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Re: Soon to be Book. Please tell me what you think

Postby Material Defender » Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:20 pm

Hmmm... Reminds me of an amaglam of the Dark Brotherhood and Keepers. Mysteriousness, pick out street urchins, murder targets. Hmmm... Well, the description is pretty all right, but lacks feeling past the first part. Add a little personal touch to it and that should make it a little better.
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Re: Soon to be Book. Please tell me what you think

Postby Ultimate destroyer » Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:23 pm

hmm. yea, so it's got good detail, but it loses quality half way through?


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Postby Material Defender » Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:27 pm

Yeah. The scene with the taking is a bit too drawn out. Maybe I'm just a fan of the old snatch the urchin during the pickpocket to get them into the order(Or what not.), though.
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