ppg, story of three new boyz

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ppg, story of three new boyz

Postby punkassretardm@n » Fri May 19, 2006 7:01 pm

hi im new im just here to write some stories
tell me wat you think of the first one


[/center]part 1: the new kids



as the bell rang everyone was throwing paper, chattering with each other bubbles talking with mandy, buttercup shooting spitwads at bubbles, and blossom talking with dexter, until the teacher ask for their attention.miss meryl* excuse me class we have three new students with joining our class today, sorry but there father couldn't join us, something about business... well here is our new students: blade, jac, and shudo. blade will you say something about yourself.blade* well when i grow up i'm gonna control the whole world mwahahahahaha.....hehe.....yaaa. everybody confusingly looking at blade. .... what? miss meryl* ummm thank you for that brilliant introduction uhh oh jac will you say anything about yourself.
jac didnt say anything he was still closing his eyes and standing there. uhhh ja- blade* he's mute, blade quickly interrupted, smiling. jac giving blade an evil look, uhhh ill be quiet now. mis meryl* ooook shudo please tell me about yourself not like your two crazy brothers. blade* hey. shudo* well... i am smarter than my brothers and i am faster than them umm... shudo being nervous not because he's new because of his horrible past that keeps haunting him. miss meryl* well i'd love to hear more but we need to continue, please take a seat. all three of them* ok.
outside
jac* shudo you know you can't hide it forever, you've got to tell someone
shudo* i know but i dont wanna hurt anybody. jac* i know but if u dont someone will get hurt and it will probably be your fau- blade* GOD DAMMIT im so bored i need to do something that will at least be funny to me. then out in the air a ball came flying in and hits blade in the face. owww, who did that, grrrrrr. some guy* hey give us that ball creepy guy.
blade* hehehe ill give you your ball back- right there he flew right near him and shot it right at his face- HAA that'll teach you. jac* god not again shudo you take care of this. shudo* wat you never... god ok. while not far from the guyz bubbles, mandy, and courage were looking at a dead squirrel that was burnt to a crisp. bubbles* awwww the poor guy never made it. mandy* ya he never made it. behind mandy was a flamethrower
courage was trying to warn bubbles that mandy did but bubbles just hug him. buttercup was talking with sensei jack and blossom was looking at some comics with dexter until they heard some evil laughter near here. blossom * wats that. dexter* i dont know but lets check it out. they ran towards to evil laughter and they found that one of the new kids were picking on the other kids.blossom* hey we got to stop him. dexter* looks like someones gonna stop him. bubbles* hey isnt that the kinda evil new kids other brother. buttercup* yup this is going to be good.


blade* come on whos next.shudo* i am. shudo came walking towards blade. blade* haha dont make me laugh shudo you cant stop me im stronger than you. shudo* that might be true but im faster. shudo vanished and appeared near blade and kicked him in the face.

[center]to be continued
well tell me wat u think[/center]
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Re: ppg, story of three new boyz

Postby Serafina » Fri May 19, 2006 7:04 pm

Umm, what's with all of the "*"s?
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Re: ppg, story of three new boyz

Postby punkassretardm@n » Fri May 19, 2006 7:06 pm

thats to let u know that there talking
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Postby Serafina » Fri May 19, 2006 7:13 pm

Yeah, okay. That was really confusing.

Maybe if you added in some capital letters and some...punctuation. The whole thing right now is one gigantic sentence.

Also you might just want to use " " quotation marks to mark when a character is speaking. You know, that's what they're for.

Why is there a flamethrower behind Mandy? Who the hell are these new characters? Can you please give a little more description?

Why do I feel like a need a decoder ring to read it?
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Postby punkassretardm@n » Fri May 19, 2006 7:18 pm

Serafina wrote:Yeah, okay. That was really confusing.

Maybe if you added in some capital letters and some...punctuation. The whole thing right now is one gigantic sentence.

Also you might just want to use " " quotation marks to mark when a character is speaking. You know, that's what they're for.

Why is there a flamethrower behind Mandy? Who the hell are these new characters? Can you please give a little more description?

Why do I feel like a need a decoder ring to read it?


well im sry if it doesnt please u but i just got started and the new characters are just characters that i created
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Postby Ganon » Fri May 19, 2006 7:24 pm

Mine eyes! I'd take the time to read your fic if it was organized better. Shit, the way it is I can't even read it.
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CRISIS: Equestria (Chapters 1-33)
Current Work-in-Progress: CRISIS: Equestria - Chapter 34/35 - Status - 34: 99% done; 35 - 33% Done
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Re: ppg, story of three new boyz

Postby Psychotic Angel » Fri May 19, 2006 7:43 pm

Oh my. To be honest, this is badly written. You combined chatspeak with script format and story format. That's a big no-no.

You didn't seperate the dialogue and actions. Proper capitalization is not present. There is a definite lack of description. Oh, and there's definitely a lack of punctuation.

When writing, you might want to use a program such as MS word with grammar check and spell check. Grammar is your friend.
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