A little help on deciding a title would be nice, everyone...

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A little help on deciding a title would be nice, everyone...

Postby Icerider » Sun Jul 10, 2005 5:18 am

Well...I've been away from here for long enough. Now I'm back and here's one of my stories, if all you great peoples would care to have a read and comment. Helping me with the title as well would be appreciated.

Comments and Critiques welcome...




PROLOGUE

Why...am I here? What...has happened? Who...Namatie!

Kneeling as he awoke from unconsciousness, the man felt screaming pain all through his body, making him almost fall unconscious once more. Struggling to open his eyes through the pain, he saw a black stony ground in front of him as he slowly pulled himself from the ignorant blissfullness of unconsciouness, and turned his head, amid searing pain from within. Next to him was a lifeless form with long black hair, narrow shoulders and blood all over them. Moving his arms took an almost inhuman effort, yet he slowly and panfully did so, with his muscles crying out to him, telling him to stop. Yet he ignored the pain...he had to know.

Turning the lifeless body towards him so that he could see their face, the man felt cold, as if ice was shooting through his body, as he saw the face of his beloved before him. Beautiful even in death, the expression upon her face was more than he could bear and he felt the cold dread of failure twist his insides to unbearable limits. Ignoring all physical pain, he quickly looked around, with tears already flowing freely down his bristled cheeks, and saw a being with a long blade that was dripping blood walking calmly away from the scene, leaving a trail of the dark red fluid in his wake. Touching her face as he looked back towards her one final time in his life, the man's fingers found the blade that was hers drenched in her blood and got to his feet.

"Dracor!" He yelled at the being in a voice choked with tears that seemed to echo back to his ears from the furthest reaches of the cold, stony room. "You...You bastard! You've killed Namatie!" He said to the being as he got unsteadily to his feet, dragging the blade across the ground, making the steely hiss of metal on stone echo through the empty room, to steady himself. Blood poured freely from his many deep wounds as he stood and began to advance towards the being named Dracor. "I'll kill you!" He screamed at it as he leaped forwards, bringing the blade up to strike a blow to his foe as hatred pierced to his brain, making him stronger with each passing moment. In his eyes were only flames as he met his doom...


CHAPTER 1

'Am I even...alive...anymore? Or am I with my Namatie?'

Waking up once again with pain shooting through his body, the man opened his eyes to make sure he wasn't dreaming. The white glare of harsh lights made him close his eyes once again as he clenched his fists at his sides. I...I am...alive Slowly he reopened his eyes once again, turning his head away from the lights as he did so and looking to his right. There was a window that showed a grey sky flecked with bright blue flashes from time to time as lightning arched across the sky and cars moving about outside. At this point he began to regain his hearing and a multitude of sounds invaded his ears and grew louder as they slowly registerred each sound outside of the closed door and a beep that repeated itself once every second. Where am I? he thought to himself as his senses slowly came back online, one by one.

Painfully waking up, he remembered what had transpired in his memory, how Namatie had been killed by Dracor, how he had come back to the world of the living to see her dead beside him, and how he had tried, and failed, to kill the one responsible. Startlingly he looked at his arms. The cuts were there, reminding him that it wasn't all a dream, that it actually did happen. The blood on the white linen proved it, along with the pain all through his body. The door opened and he instincively reached for the sword that wasn't at his side, grasping air as he saw a nurse enter the room, bringing a plate of unfamiliar food to his bed side table. She looked, shocked, at him as she stepped into the room before poking her head out the door back to the corridor. "He's awake! Doctor!" She called to someone he couldn't see.

Smiling as she brought the food to him, the nurse asked him a few questions, mostly pointless like "How do you feel?" and "Do you want anything?". The one that made him answer was "What's your name?". My name? It's... He couldn't remember what he was named, but he thought back over all of the memories of Namati that he had and heard "Pelos" mentioned when she was talking to him a lot. The nurse, after a small amount of time watching him struggle with the question with the only answer as "I am called...", she left, saying "If you need me, I'll be just down the hall. Call Ruth."

Struggling with his thoughts as she left, Pelos remembered all of the blood draining from his beloved and the expression of shock on her face as the last vestiges of life left her body. He had felt her spirit drain away and could do nothing. He began to weep, the tears sliding down his cheeks silently, in all their crystalline wonder, as memories of her came back to him. Before long a man came through the door, holding a clip board and toting a pen in his hand. He began asking Pelos some questions, beginning with "What is your name?" After fifteen minutes of interrogation by the man, he left, placing the piece of paper that was attached to the clip board at the foot of Pelos' bed. Sinking furthuer into his sorrow, Pelos slept once again.


CHAPTER 2

'Namatie...I will avenge you. I will then join you soon after...'

Dreaming of Namatie, Pelos remembered times long forgotten, when both him and her were younger and care free. The sounds of water running through the rocks next to their meadow seemed as sweet as water to a parched throat and backed her words as she told him that she would do anything for him and that she loved him more than anything else. "N..Namatie..." he muttered, bringing himself back to consciousness involuntarily, reawakening the pain of reality and the bitterness of failure within his mind. He wished to be with her there forever, yet his body would not let him. Hearing the sounds of movement outside the door as he kept his eyes closed, Pelos painfully turned onto his side to protect his eyes from the harsh white lights above his head. The bed creaked as he turned to his side and he uttered a small grunt of pain that only he heard as he looked into the mirror beside him.

Seeing his stubble covered face staring accusingly at him, Pelos turned over again to his back, closing his eyes as the door to the room opened as the doctor came back in. "So, you're feeling a little better now?" he asked lightly. Unable to respond, Pelos kept silent and watched the back of his eyelids as the sounds of the general hustle and bustle in the corridor intensified. "Well, your blood test came back and shows that you're completely healthy, physically. We also tested the blood on the sword you were carrying. Some of the blood is yours, but some of it is another person's," he rambled as Pelos tried to return to the unconscious world where everything was as it was supposed to be. He began to sink back to his perfect world as the doctor left, telling him that the sword would have to be put into police custody when his eyes snapped open.

"You will return the sword to me. NOW!" Pelos told the doctor, sitting bolt upright amid screaming pain from his midriff and arms as he hoisted himself to a sitting position as he did. Taken aback, the doctor started at this patient that seemed to have suddenly come to life. One look into the cold eyes of Pelos told him that he would die if he didn't do what this man wanted. As Pelos struggled through the pain to get up and stand next to the bed, the doctor bolted out the door and the sounds outside the corridor of people walking and trolleys being pushed along the polished corridor were overtaken by fast, heavy footfalls as the doctor bolted. Gingerly letting go of the bed, Pelos took a step and he felt a shooting pain in his foot as it made contact with the floor. Suppressing another grunt of pain, Pelos took another step, and another until he was at the door.





Comments again please. If something needs fixing, just tell me and I'll fix it.
Note to the relevant people: If you think this is my character, you are sadly mistaken. This man is a different person.

NOTE: Reposted as seen on Star Cross'd Destiny forums.
Last edited by Icerider on Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:24 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: A little help on deciding a title would be nice, everyon

Postby Yoshi » Sun Jul 10, 2005 6:26 am

Icerider wrote:PROLOGUE

Why... am I here? What... has happened? Who... Namatie!

Kneeling as he awoke from unconsciousness, the man felt screaming pain all through his body, making him almost fall unconscious once more. Struggling to open his eyes through the pain, he saw a black stony ground in front of him as he slowly pulled himself from the ignorant blissfullness of unconsciouness, and turned his head, amid searing pain from within. Next to him was a lifeless form with long black hair, narrow shoulders and blood all over them. Moving his arms took an almost inhuman effort, yet he slowly and painfully did so, with his muscles crying out to him, telling him to stop. Yet he ignored the pain... he had to know.
Turning the lifeless body towards him so that he could see their face, the man felt cold, as if ice was shooting through his body, as he saw the face of his beloved before him. Beautiful even in death, the expression upon her face was more than he could bear and he felt the cold dread of failure twist his insides to unbearable limits. Ignoring all physical pain, he quickly looked around, with tears already flowing freely down his bristled cheeks, and saw a being with a long blade that was dripping blood walking calmly away from the scene, leaving a trail of the dark red fluid in his wake. Touching her face as he looked back towards her one final time in his life, the man's fingers found the blade that was hers drenched in her blood and got to his feet.
"Dracor!" he yelled at the being in a voice choked with tears that seemed to echo back to his ears from the furthest reaches of the cold, stony room.
"You... you've killed her! You've killed Namatie!" he said to the being as he got unsteadily to his feet, dragging the blade across the ground, making the steely hiss of metal on stone echo through the empty room, to steady himself. Blood poured freely from his many deep wounds as he stood and began to advance towards the being named Dracor.
"You shall pay!" he screamed at it as he leaped forwards, bringing the blade up to strike a blow to his foe as hatred pierced to his brain, making him stronger with each passing moment. In his eyes were only flames as he met his doom....


Proof read. Some notes:
- In a conversation it is better to put each section of dialogue on a seperate line. Avoids confusion and looks neater.
- As Cole has said, it's the ellipses in the middle of a sentence and four at the end.
- Oh, and spaces after ellipses work too.
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Postby Icerider » Sun Jul 10, 2005 6:32 am

Firstly: There is only that man talking. It is only a conversation if more than one person is engaged in the speech.
Secondly: What do you mean by "it's the ellipses in the middle of a sentence and four at the end."? Clarify please because my brains feel like mush right now.
Thirdly: I know, but I was kinda in a hurry to get it all in, so I didn't worry about it. I'll change it now.
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Re: A little help on deciding a title would be nice, everyon

Postby Material Defender » Sun Jul 10, 2005 6:37 am

CLiched motive to say the least. Good description though. You seem to know how to write, with the expection of whatever Yoshi said. Maybe I should try revamping my beginning.
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Postby Yoshi » Sun Jul 10, 2005 6:40 am

Icerider wrote:Firstly: There is only that man talking. It is only a conversation if more than one person is engaged in the speech.
Secondly: What do you mean by "it's the ellipses in the middle of a sentence and four at the end."? Clarify please because my brains feel like mush right now.
Thirdly: I know, but I was kinda in a hurry to get it all in, so I didn't worry about it. I'll change it now.


Okay I'll expand. When a conversation is happening, even when only one person is talking it works out better to put each section of speech on a new line.

"Hi, I'm Bob," he said with glee. "I like to burn things," he continued with utmost sincerity.

This is bad.

"Hi, I'm Bob," he said with glee.
"I like to burn things," he continued with utmost sincerity.

This is good, as it allows for cleaner structure and makes it easier to read.

As for the ellipses....

He stood there... waiting as they spoke....

Basically it's making any groups of ellipses (these things: ...) three if in mid sentence and four if it's signalling a pause at the end.
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Postby Icerider » Sun Jul 10, 2005 6:56 am

Defender: I did it this way because it's how I envisioned it as I was typing it. I know it's cliche'd in movies and all, but I didn't know how well I could do it. Apparently I did it decently. Thanks.

Yoshi, thanks for defining. As I said: My brains feel like mush right now. Thanks. I'll fix up the speech tomorrow. Promise. About the ellipses: The ones at the start are just him thinking, and I kinda got lazy there. Still, it looks alright to me. If anyone else comments on it though, I'll change it.

Things I have to do tomorrow:
1) Fix up speech
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Postby QuickSilver » Sun Jul 10, 2005 7:27 am

How about "A Tale of Fire and Ice" as a title?
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Postby Icerider » Sun Jul 10, 2005 4:20 pm

I know a few of those already...I was thinking more along the lines of a "Shadowy" title, but right now I can't place one to it.
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Postby Spike » Sun Jul 10, 2005 4:33 pm

Yoshimoto wrote:
"Hi, I'm Bob," he said with glee. "I like to burn things," he continued with utmost sincerity.

This is bad.

"Hi, I'm Bob," he said with glee.
"I like to burn things," he continued with utmost sincerity.

This is good, as it allows for cleaner structure and makes it easier to read.


Um... you're wrong about that. A new paragraph is always and uniquely used for indicating a new speaker.
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Re: A little help on deciding a title would be nice, everyon

Postby Material Defender » Sun Jul 10, 2005 4:37 pm

That's what I thought.
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Postby Icerider » Sun Jul 10, 2005 4:39 pm

So it was right the first time?
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Postby Yoshi » Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:35 am

I was just saying in my personal opinion of the latter being easier to read. Oh, well Spike's allowed to correct me.
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Postby Icerider » Mon Jul 11, 2005 6:48 am

Ok then. Fixing once again now.
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Postby Icerider » Fri Jul 15, 2005 7:54 pm

If anyone wants to read the next parts, PM me. I've got them on other sites, so I'll give you the address.
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Postby Spike » Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:45 pm

Yoshimoto wrote:I was just saying in my personal opinion of the latter being easier to read. Oh, well Spike's allowed to correct me.


Grammar is not opinion based! @.@
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Postby Jay » Fri Jul 15, 2005 9:02 pm

But when a new subject is brought to the table (ie: when you start a new paragraph) is!
I mean, some would say switching from say... Positives to negatives of a certain thing deserves a new paragraph, others may not.
But the speech thing, totally static.
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Postby Icerider » Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:21 am

Reposting the entire thing that I've got for now. For the rest that is actually POSTED, PM me. From now on though, this is probably going to be a grammar discussion thread, and how generic I am. Hazarding a guess there.
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