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Rezby wrote:Some family history:
My entire family comes from the former soviet union. In the 80s, they applied to emigrate and became Refusniks (the term, somewhat derogatory, but basically official term, meaning they were denied permission to leave immediately and got put on a waiting list). For a decade. In 1989, my dad was finally able to come over. Over the next couple years, as he earned money or something, his parents, his younger brothers, my mom and her younger brother, and their parents, all were able to eventually make their way from Moscow to Chicago. 1993, I'm born. My dad gets an offer from University of Toronto to go teach, so we move there. The pay is shit, so not even a year later, we're back in Chicago. Tensions between my mom and dad. Separation, then divorce. He moves to NYC and goes into finance, since that actually pays money, unlike teaching. He pays child support and provides somewhat for me from afar. He visits about once or twice a year starting when I was 10 or so, and I start flying out to visit him. We have a fine relationship, aside from the fact that I am constantly being told I am smarter than what my grades show and I have to be doing better, don't I know my grades will impact the rest of my life. He takes me on vacations, skiing, or to the coast. they're fun, even if we're both a little awkward around each other.
Over the years, I've just been a continual disappointment + mystery to him. I'm smart, or so the tests say anyways, so why am I so freaking dumb?
When I got into university, even though the original agreement between my mom and him were that he'd pay the first half, and she'd pay the second half (she's an accountant, but left her higher paying far job to a lower paying nearby job at the local synagogue because family, her husband, my stepdad, is a periodontist, and provides the majority of the income for the household), but because of reasons, my college savings account was not as full as it should have been so he used up his college savings account, and then told me the New Deal, as of January 2014:
I pass all my courses with As and Bs, and he'll pay for the next semester. I get below a B in even one course, and I find the money elsewhere for that next semester. For every semester I get Bs or higher, he'll pay the next one. Out of pocket, because he can afford it, at the expense of not taking vacations and living a little less comfortably but still pretty comfortably.
As he said, why should he sacrifice for me to just fail?
So now my mom's paying for my summer semester, and I have to, absolutely have to, get Bs or higher on the two courses I'm taking: retaking diff eq, and taking physics 2, which is electricity/circuits, and thermodynamics, with calculus of course (I'm an engineer, everything is with calculus).
I legitimately believe I have ADD, even if sometimes late at night my self-doubts come out. I think I always had it, and my parents just thought I was smart enough where I didn't need it diagnosed, and then it seemed to fade away with puberty (it didn't, I think I just learned some coping mechanisms).
During high school, I took some actions about it. I bought add medication from a friend who for some reason had like a giant jar full of them, so he was able to sell 'em for super cheap (which was nice, I didn't have a lot of pocket money). like 10 or 20 mg, extended release. I took one in the morning and I noticed I did so much better in classes. Gave me more energy, without overloading me, which was nice too. He graduated after my sophomore year tho, so there went that. My junior year was godawful. I failed 2 courses then, too, and had to retake 1 over summer, and the other during my senior year. I ended up telling mom and asking if she could get me an appointment with someone. She's not a fan of medicating kids (despite her husband having some medication for his OCD and she having some medication for anxiety........), so I got sent to like... 3 different social workers/therapists. One of them did help, but with something else, entirely unrelated. the neurofeedback was bullshit.
I dropped the issue with my mom and basically just stopped seeing them, and my high school senior year wasn't fun, but I was able to put my nose to the books and get all As and Bs. But uh, I think that was largely the influence of my partner (she and I started going out 2011 and are still going strong). She helps.
So I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, its tomorrow morning at 10:30. I'm hoping, really hoping, she'll prescribe me the medication which I firmly believe works for me.
I try to avoid lying if I can help it, but lies of omission are a lot easier than a fabricated mistruth.
Lady Haru wrote:i feel like all the friends i feel so close to and love so much only think of me as "some friend"
Yog wrote:I guess I've gotten back into the swing of things ever since my cousin passed away.
Applied for college finally. Starting the third week of August. Gonna feel weird to go back to academia, but I think I'll be fine.
It's not. Heartless to recover so fast, is it?
I feel like. I feel bad, still.