<___< Saddest thing ever where I'm like "Yo I need some girl talk," and I go through my skype list and....no one : /
Steam list, definitely not. Facebook? I got one friend who I might feel comfortable talking this over with, but she's not online. Imma write it out here cuz I can't take it anymore.
I've had some time to reflect on mentioned break up of relationship I was never really in. And at first I felt like such an ice bitch and that I was an asshole for not dating him.Then reflection came full circle and I was pissed at him for putting me in a position to break his heart like that after we agreed we weren't dating from the very beginning. What was the point of being up front and honest with him about it if I'm such an asshole for not dating him anyway?
We had a heart to heart conversation on Sunday, and I told him straight "I don't have feelings for you. I gave it my best shot, and after two months, I haven't fallen for you, and I'm not going to date someone I don't love."
But the whole conversation was him all like "I'm not worth it to you. I'm not good enough for you."
He's apparently got a long history of being friendzoned by girls, and I never knew this the whole time I was with him. I'm the first one not to give him a shitty excuse and tell him straight. But it's not like I was playing him, I told him everything from the start. Why am I still the asshole? Why can't we just hang out with each other and enjoy spending time with each other and not worry about where our relationship is headed?
But you know what really annoys me? He's fuckin' leaving the country in another 8 months. He doesn't want me to go to Pittsburgh, but he's gonna go to the Philippines and I would have to wait for him to get back. And I'm an asshole for saying no to that? I just got out of a 2.5 year long distance relationship, so fuck it no I'm not gonna do that. I'm just fuckin' not. And I don't think I'm such a bitch for not agreeing to do it with someone I've been hanging out with for just 2-3months.
Like goddamnit that is a LOT to ask of someone, and it's a lot of pressure to put on a girl.
I'm angry because some of the shit he said in that conversation was just unfair. As if my feelings of being under pressure weren't important, just his feelings of him getting put down. And I just got suckered into it. I spent the whole conversation being hard on myself for being an ice bitch, rather than saying anything about how it was a lot to ask of me.
How about I say something that is actually assholish: why men gotta be all emotional on me huh? What the fuck ever happened to playing the field and testing the water? Why does everything have to be ruined with the word "forever"?
It's assholish because being all emotional isn't gender based, it's person based. I gave it serious thought during said reflection period, that maybe having a girlfriend might be easier than having to deal with men. But that's just silly to expect it to be any different girl or guy. For right now, I've had enough male drama, and I'm just gonna stay out of relationshipness altogether because apparently I can't play the field correctly. And even that is hilarious to say, because it's only been one guy. Again it's not like I had a bunch of boys all over giving me shit. It was one, and I cared about his feelings over mine, and I'm still the asshole. Fine, I'm the asshole then. I'll be the asshole if I have to be.
If any more guys confess to me for the next while or so, it's 100% forget it cuz I'm not dealing with it anymore while I got enough shit to worry about in my life. Getting a job in my field, situating my loan. All that shit I gotta figure out and soon.
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