A Free And Independent Scotland.
Thu Jun 13, 2013 3:25 pm
Go for it.
Thu Jun 13, 2013 3:43 pm
I know I can get a bit annoying, maybe clingy, but thanks, everyone.
I don't ever forget this kinda stuff.
Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:20 pm
Well man, this is a Theraphy Thread to post problems and I don't think it's annoying but you got some problems.
Thu Jun 13, 2013 8:23 pm
Not only that but we're here for you Yog.
Mon Jun 17, 2013 9:40 pm
Who'd have thought getting a relationship would be this tough on me?
Well, I have a problem, which is the reason why I'm here. I have a friend (she) who (before February) I liked. Now, we were cool friends who, with her other cool friend, we hang out a lot. We felt pretty close, until I asked her out on Valentine's (hence why I was in a shitty mood back then). She said " But, I thought we were friends..." Fast forward a month later and we are barely friends. We talk, but rarely hang out, and I barely see her. Whenever I text her, they are short/lifeless. It's rare if we have a good conv. Fast forward today, and it's still the same. It's as if I'm losing her, and that's what I really don't want. Honestly, she (and him) were the best things to happen to me in my Senior year. They were the firsts to hang out with me outside of school in a long time. I really don't want to lose 'em as I'll probably go depressed. Honestly, asking her out was one of my biggest regrets in a long time.
So, why am I saying all this? Well, for starters, just to let it out to someone. And, 2nd, I need your guys' help: what the fuck do I, a complete idiot, do?
Mon Jun 17, 2013 10:02 pm
I barely understand the mysterious ways of the friend zone. My arch nemesis. And which is one of those reasons why I don't have a girlfriend either. That and my nerdy and awkward behavior, which I am quite proud of.
Ok, so lets sort this out: your closest friend stopped hanging around with you because you asked her out. Have you tried asking her why she barely talks to you anymore? You may have misunderstood the situation itself by a chance and you'd have a better ground to stand on to express why you miss her.
(A little expressive thought) I missed a lot of opportunities to have a girlfriend and I am still haunted by it. I haven't resorted to teenage dating websites, you cant trust the internet.
Mon Jun 17, 2013 10:08 pm
I've tried, honestly, but, thanks to my fuckin' Mild Autism , I tend to have a hard time speaking things out. It just keeps trapped in my thoughts. I just have a hard time saying things that seem a bit... well, not embarassing but... idk. Just... idk.
Mon Jun 17, 2013 10:10 pm
Well, do you still actually like her or are you just telling yourself you don't? It's not fair to her if you're still trying to be her friend when you have a romantic attraction to her, and she doesn't want to be in a relationship.
If you have genuinely moved beyond such romantic affections, and still want to remain her friend, then you can try telling her that you've moved on and you can be friends again. If she accepts that, you have to be serious. So if you went above and beyond for her before just to try to win her affections over (maybe always giving her a ride, extra nice things, and so on) that you don't do for others, then you need to stop that. If you stop that and she gets mad over that (we're getting into a lot of what ifs here but I'm just being comprehensive), then that means she just liked having a friend that fawned over her and you're better off without that friendship.
The reason most women will hate being surprised like that is because it makes them question the history of your relationship. Was he being nice to me because he was my friend? Or just because he wanted to get into my pants? It can seem like a breach of trust to them.
You might have to accept there's no way to salvage the relationship even if you do everything right, because some people just won't be able to get over it. There's a fine line to walk here and you can accidentally cross it based on her just interpreting things wrongly.
It can be quite easy, and fair of her, to interpret a strong push from you wanting to be her friend again as you hoping to just be around her again because you still like her.
If possible, hang out with her in group settings. She may be uneasy with one-on-one contact, whether that be hanging out together or personal texting. If you can be at parties with her, or hang out with her in a big group, then that could help her feel comfortable with you again and allow you to build back that trust with her. And if you do get that opportunity, do not put too much attention on her. Just treat her like anyone else there, and don't make it seem like you're nursing a crush on her by paying too much attention to her, or trying to win her over.
It is a very fine line to walk, because any emotional spilling that demonstrates how much you still want to be her friend can to her seem like you're still having a crazy crush on her and she can't trust you as a friend again.
It might help to pretend like you're starting from scratch again with your friendship - it is impossible for you two to just pick it up where you left it.
I remember reading a case about an amnesiac woman, and how freaked out she was when this guy (her husband) showed all this affection to her. She didn't know this guy, and so it creeped her out even though she was in love with him before. So the guy figures it out, and basically starts "dating" her again, treating her like he just met her and is trying to woo her over again. So you might have to do the same with your friend (and obviously not in a romantic way as the husband did), in trying to begin from a clean slate, instead of thinking you can just pick up where you left off.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:52 am
Oh hey look. My ex that broke my heart into a million pieces is asking for forgiveness.
God damn it.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:59 am
"Okay i forgive you, but i hope you understand we're not coming back together after what you did. You made your choice, too late to get cold feet."
Are you a man? This is your test.
If you think you're worth something, you'll learn to value yourself.
Forgiveness is healthy, foolishness is not.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 1:02 am
Well, if you haven't forgiven her, then don't tell her you have. All you'd be doing is letting her have a get-out-of-guilt-free card while you feel even worse for it, because now she gets to be happy while she hasn't done anything to help you out emotionally. She's the one asking for your help. She should be the one trying to help you, especially if you're the victim here.
Given how you worded that, I'm guessing you probably haven't come to terms yet. You owe her no favors, especially if she was the one responsible for whatever mess you two have. It doesn't mean you have to be cruel though.
You could possibly say something from this "I still feel very hurt/betrayed/whatever. I can't change the past. You did what you did to me. Nothing's going to change that. I have to come to terms with that and live with it. Words aren't going to change what happened. I may come to forgive you eventually, and be at peace with what happened, but right now I'm still very hurt and even if I lied and said I forgive you that wouldn't change that. We're both just going to have to live with what happened."
Take whatever sounds right and compensate accordingly for however you hate/miss/whatever her or adjust it for actual events since I'm hazy on remembering what happened.
What Mirak said might work if you were over it, but it doesn't sound like you are, so I think if you forgive her when you actually don't feel that way, you're just going to hurt yourself even more emotionally.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 1:59 am
I did forgive her. And I don't hate her. But I'm still wanting to be away from her with how sick these emotions she brings back makes me feel. I replied before I read these, so I think I was a little too forgiving and was about to accept her back, even as a friend. But I went back and told her I thought it was best if she didn't try and contact me again.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 2:04 am
Well at least you answer in a way that she may not speak you for a while but you did it but in the future think a litttle bit more about this things.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 3:50 am
I think some punctuation there would help me understand you.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 3:53 am
I think he means:
A. You did it in a way she won't talk to you for a while
B. You need to think more about this thing next time (Why? I can't infer)
Tue Jun 18, 2013 8:18 am
Mr. Sefrol wrote:Oh hey look. My ex that broke my heart into a million pieces is asking for forgiveness.
God damn it.
You have no idea.
Just forgive and move on, don't try for anything else.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:06 am
This is one of the reasons christianity is so popular. We have a very forgiving god.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:23 am
That post was amazingly unnecesary.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:30 am
I know. Just another thought to get out.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:33 am
And has nothing to do with the topic.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:38 am
Weren't we just talking about forgiveness just before I made that comment? Lets stop here before this get's out of hand.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:44 am
But that was still unnecessary.
I am happy that you love your religion, and religion HAS developed the foundation of morality and many virtues.
BUT. Don't try to push it on someone. Seriously man, it's bad.
This thread is about therapy, not conversion.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 11:13 am
I didn't intend anything like that. But okay.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:23 pm
Randori wrote:I've tried, honestly, but, thanks to my fuckin' Mild Autism , I tend to have a hard time speaking things out. It just keeps trapped in my thoughts. I just have a hard time saying things that seem a bit... well, not embarassing but... idk. Just... idk.
Uh uh. No.
Randi, you're a good guy, but I don't want to see you blaming issues you're having on some handicap.
Now listen. If you were doing nice things for her in order to ask her out, then stop. And after you asked her out, and she said no, then that's reasonable. She thought of you as a very good friend, and because of that, chances are that she didn't want to lose that friendship by chance.
So. Like EM said, tell her that you moved on, and that you don't want to lose that friendship. But don't grovel or beg.
And this thing about relationships. Trust me when I say that having a girlfriend is not the most important thing in the world.
Tue Jun 18, 2013 11:14 pm
MadDoc, you're fine. Don't worry about it.
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