Yog, I understand how bad this is for you.
Forget I said that. I haven't lost my parents yet, but I did lose my grandfather. Unlike you, I can't really see myself missing anyone so much because of how much time I spent alone in my life. While I was alone, I began to ponder and think about the future, and most especially, death.
Losing somebody who has raised you for a long time and has sticked with you until the very end is indeed something that makes you want to break down. But you're human nature allows you to pick up the pieces that have fallen upon the impact of this event, and I am confident that even in the death of a love one there will be a day where you will no longer shed such tears. That is not to say that I am against your reaction to it; If I was in your mother's shoes, in spirit and I was standing next to you at my own funeral, I would have wanted you to be the best man no one else could be, by giving you enough strength to put this aside and shed no tear ever again.
Everyday, I keep living, acknowledging the fact that someday, death will be knocking at my doorstep all of a sudden. You, I and everyone here at some point is bound to die at any time. My aunt was recently diagnosed with a form of cancer of which I had forgotten what kind it was, and the doctors told her that she only had a few more months to live. I can't stand bearing to think about what will happen to my cousin, who is only an adolescent child. I'm more of a philosophical person and I don't consider myself religious at all, but the moment I was informed that she had been diagnosed with cancer, I felt like I wanted to, for the first time, fall on my knees and pray that it wouldn't happen. My father told me that there had been conflict among the last generation of my family, but after the death of my grandfather, everyone seem to have come together. Once my aunt dies, my family will be closer than ever.
And when I'm there at that day, I won't shed a single tear. But the truth is though, is that I can't. Because my mind is no longer innocent and naive like the child I was before, I was too stubborn to break down. It's hard to sympathize with you because I can virtually feel no form of emotion or pain at all unless the person that I have lost has had a truly close relationship with me personally. And as for those I know who aren't my relatives but are still alive and cannot see again, they were my greatest losses because I felt something very special in my heart for those people. My isolationist policy towards these men and women had taken its toll upon my sanity and only when it is too late I started to see what made them special...and I couldn't cry at those moments. That's when not shedding a tear became a curse in my life.
And so I am sorry. And that goes to everyone too. The repression of my own human nature prevents me from even helping any of you here in this thread, along with my luck in life. Aren't I lucky to not break down unlike any of you? And yet, I lack the components of what makes a human...human. It's a blessing and a curse, I can tell you that. I was never smart because I found that intelligent individuals seem to be more prone to depression, but the truth is, I'm in denial, trying to delude myself and sail away in my own world, but I wake up and it's still there. And If I could, I would, but you can't get rid of the guilt, the sadness, and the sorrow that happens in this world.
I joined this forum a couple of years ago just to have a good time and then this thread happened. Boy, look at how far we've gotten in our lives, going from just being kids celebrating every fuckin' day of our lives to, to...this.