A Free And Independent Scotland.
Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:03 pm
i don't think he'd actually be able to fire me for personal reasons, but i'm on my last strike at that job so anything could happen. *shrug*
Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:20 pm
Dude, if he actually fired you for that, then FUCK him.
Seriously, you shouldn't even work for someone that damn insecure.
Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:23 pm
Ya, seriously, it shouldn't matter. Get some of dat
Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:35 pm
Especially since she's the one being forward.
Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:45 pm
Plow her like an amish man's field.
Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:20 pm
i don't plow Amish men's fields.
Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:21 pm
Also, the worry isn't actually that I'd get fired for dating this girl. The worry is that I think he's a cool guy and him hating me would kinda suck. *shrug*
Tue Feb 19, 2013 1:40 am
If he has an issue with it that bad, then I doubt he's that cool a guy. But that's me.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:03 am
Eagleman wrote:There is a bit of partial identification that I have with Patrick Bateman as the following quote reads:
“...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.”
Has anyone felt like this or perhaps known someone like that? I've felt this way mostly my whole life, but the detachment just keeps growing greater, and I've never found a way to ground myself.
For the record I've felt like that. When I tried to convey it here way back when I was taken the wrong way as you mentioned that you didn't want to be.
All I can say is that reality sucks, people are ignorant, I'm currently on a rant, the grass is always less well-trimmed wherever you are, and I am also bored.
Though I suppose not as much as I used to be for whatever reason. Dreams used to be the high point of my day until I reached the point of typical college sleep deprivation. I rarely have them now so I am forced to write them down to make them last. Now I spend my free time seeking truths of the world, not general truths but hidden or at least buried ones. But of course when I try to explain this pursuit to others I am looked at as a fool who chases what doesn't exist or wouldn't make sense. Or I am simply ignored. But that's just how life works, ey?
Last edited by True Order
on Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:06 am
Morpheus wrote:EagleMan, do you have any goals?
Anything that you would like to work towards?
In the mean time I would consider seeing someone about this.
I had once. She seemed highly confused as to why I was there and honestly didn't have a clue what was wrong with me. She expressed a wish that all her other patients were like me. Either way I got bounced around a few therapists, never doing anything more than intake sessions (so I never had a real session at any rate). I got tested for high functioning autism but I didn't qualify because I lacked the physical characteristics of it (e.g. arm flapping or something), though she suggested I may be a schizoid but she wouldn't diagnose since I'm still young which is fair enough.
I have had a similar experience as you're having now.
It feels like its not even worth it to get out of bed anymore, right?
Nothing feels real, or even matters, because in the end, nothing you do will really feel fulfilling.
I'd like to suggest something,
Get a puppy. I know it sounds weird, but think about it this way. To have a creature love you unconditionally, to entirely depend on you, will give your life some semblance of meaning, yes?
I personally felt like this before I made an effort at improving my life.
Remember when I was extremely cynical? That happened after I reached the end of the path that you're on.
I already had a puppy a year ago and he's still basically a puppy now. There's no cynicism. There's no negativity. There's nothing positive either. I recall the path you were on where you wanted to crush your feelings. I am not destroying them, I am losing them. I had made an effort to improve my life. And I achieved these "improvements" in many respects. And the return was nothing. There was no catharsis, no sudden clarity of mind, no burst of feeling nor flurry of passion. In a qualitative sense I have nothing to improve on, at least in the sense that I am not lacking for any foundation, as any person can always improve on something. If my life was condensed to a spreadsheet, the future would look promising, but what can be measured betrays what cannot be measured. My creative works beget me no pleasure. My grades give me nothing. Social interaction fails to stir anything in me. The good deeds I've done in the past rouse little. There is nothing recreational I care enough to spend money on, and any money I get just accumulates until a necessity rears its head. Life is just a blur. Yesterday I was a 12 year old kid who joined this forum from a link on Wikpedia. Tomorrow I'll be 26 and it'll be 2020. I ask today where the time has gone since then, and I will be asking the same question in 7 years, and I know I will be powerless to satisfy that question as it is a question I have already tried to fulfill. Spending my grade school years attempting to savor the moment, even consciously so at times knowing I would be vexed with that question soon enough again, as I am now, means nothing to me now. It is irrelevant what I do. Time decays it all into the same black shroud of memory. Cynicism does not fog it though. I hold a very optimistic view of the world, perhaps more than most, but such optimism can only be expressed intellectually.
NeoWarrior7 wrote:If he has an issue with it that bad, then I doubt he's that cool a guy. But that's me.
People aren't binary good/bad guys. He can still be a good guy but get jealous if some other guy is dating his ex. No one's perfect.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:25 am
So you don't experience any positive emotions or negative emotions? Can you/do you enjoy music? Do you have any libido?
Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:37 am
I wouldn't say that in absolute terms, just that they're extremely stunted. I have to think about how I feel. If someone asks me how I'm feeling the honest answer can be I don't know, which has made for a few annoyed people in the past who thought I was just refusing to open up, which ironically makes for a rejection of the "real" me.
At any rate, music's alright, and I've never really had a libido to speak of. Puberty just went by with purely physical changes.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:43 am
Oh, so you can feel emotions just not as strongly as you think you should? It's interesting that you can enjoy music.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 10:07 am
Well, there is one more solution I could think of.
When I was 18, the first thing I did when I left the house was the Appalachian Trail.
2 months of hiking. I got from Georgia to Pennsylvania.
It was amazing, you know. The feeling of being out in the wild, meeting hikers along the way, being at peace with nature.
Damn, I'm planning on doing the whole thing, one day.
Anyway, my point is, you need to undertake a journey like that. Not necessarily hiking the Appalachian Trail, but a trip in which you discover yourself.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:00 pm
Tuor wrote:Oh, so you can feel emotions just not as strongly as you think you should? It's interesting that you can enjoy music.
It depends on what you mean by enjoy. Does tasting good food mean you're having an emotional reaction, or just that you're tasting something good? Touching something soft?
Plus no one has no emotions, there are parts of the brain devoted to it. I would just say they're very stunted. To answer yes, while technically correct, might seem misleading as to imply they're merely repressed or something.
Anyways, I'm still going to have to make money over the summer, so such a long journey may not be feasible. Plus that's basically what I've always imagined I would do if I stopped caring enough about my life as is, I see myself homeless just as easily I see myself in a successful career 10 years from now. There are physical issues with being homeless, food, shelter, etc., but it's also important to consider that you're also completely free of artificial stress. There wouldn't be worry about bosses, about bills, about all that mundane stuff that forces undue importance into your mind to stress you out. Homeless beggars on average actually make more money than people making minimum wage. And homelessness (or a hiking/backpacking journey) might activate more visceral instincts to coax out that feeling of being alive. And it's not like anyone starves to death in America, and comforts have never really been much a desire of mine. But that's all something for young people. It's not like I could do it into my 70s. Most people largely go on the paths that are laid out before them. They don't really explore new ones. They might think they have choice because a couple were laid out before them, but that's still only choosing from options given them, not an option you gave yourself.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:07 pm
Well, you gotta change something, EM.
It seems that this mindset of apathy will only go away once you find something to care about.
I think you should do the Appalachian trail, but its up to you, in the end.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:13 pm
I'm not so sure this is a completely psychological problem, Yog. There may actually be some chemical imbalance or physiological problem that prevents those parts of the brain which deal with emotions from functioning properly. So is there anything you experience as pleasurable in any way, EM?
Tue Feb 19, 2013 8:01 pm
Anhedonia is a problem. As said there are pleasurable things in a strictly physical sense, but nothing emotionally engaging that is pleasurable. Hanging out with friends for instance brought me nothing. It felt like work in a way where I just put in a few hours and then go home. Not like they were bad friends either so that wasn't the issue and I've been friendly with a wide variety of people, often being friends with two groups/people that hate each other, so it's not like I'm just hanging out with people that don't fit me.
It's always possible I establish some deep connection with someone/something that brings out something, but it's rather moot as it doesn't really do anything to help me if I lack it. It would just be something I have to hope to happen across, even if I was being sociable or exploratory as I have already tried in the past, so it's not really an actionable plan.
Tue Feb 19, 2013 8:52 pm
Animals do anything for you?
I can't say I'm necessarily happy with life. I have this job, and I'm doing it because I have to. I hate working, but it's pretty good money. But the one thing in my life I absolutely love are my dogs.
Fri Feb 22, 2013 12:44 pm
Especially that new little guy.
Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:38 pm
hello. I return. those of you that know my tumblr, you should read the post I just made so that you can get my side of what happened.
to everyone else: I've officially been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder. this is something that I've known I've had for a while but never talked to anyone professional about it. I'm not asking for any advice but I'm politely asking everyone to please not mock me for hating myself because it is not an act. I don't say what I say for sympathy or for compliments. If I say something self-deprecating it just means I'm having a bad day and am not able to hide my self-loathing as well as I usually can. either ignore it or, if you're a friend, message me privately about it.
Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:48 pm
You weren't the only one who thought you had it.
Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:51 pm
Welcome back :)
Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:53 pm
Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:56 pm
It's good to have you back.
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