I don't know. I just wish I could have saved him when he posted what he said in the "Quick! What's behind you?" thread, because I knew that the instant he said "A horrid, guilt-ridden past full of betrayal and broken hearts, mostly mine" there was something wrong.
I got a post reply email for a really old thread today so I figured I'd read it for the lulz. I immediately noticed the site's facelift. Neat. So I browse on over to my favorite corner of the forum and see this thread. I'm depressed to find out about this. I've known Ethan since he first joined, he must have been 13 back in 2006. It's a terrible to see someone who you used to talk with on a near daily basis suddenly pass on, especially when you've grown out of touch.
I always found Dacrum to be one of the most memborable members in this forum, I always liked his tastes in litterature, movies, etc. I'll never forget the times Dacrum and I spent ridiculing the comics on this site, agreeing on how the majority of the artists suck ass at writing. I can't believe that I've known him for seven years, yet I never took the chance to actually talk to him and get to to know him better, I'm gonna regret that for the rest of my life.
I've been sort of avoiding this thread... I tried to think of something to say as I was scrolling down the first page a while back. But I started reading everyone's comments and I started to cry. I couldn't stop. I feel like even now I'm going to start up again any second...
When I heard the news at first, I was in shock. It didn't hit me until hours later. I broke down and couldn't find my smile. And for the next few days I just couldn't function right at work. I was sluggish, scatterbrained, and a bit angry. Couldn't shake it... Even though we weren't close like most of the regulars here, he was still someone I liked to see. Just like the rest of you. I soon realized though that the reason I was so distraught wasn't just because he was gone. Or that I lost a friend (Heh... we probably weren't even that... Most likely my fault for it too...). But that I didn't have enough fun times with him. I don't have enough wonderful memories to hold back my tears. I'm barely able to find my words... I've always wanted to be good friends with all of you. to share those good times, as well as the bad. And knowing I will never get to do that with him is too much to take. And knowing how he died makes me even more frustrated. What if I was able to be someone close to him. Maybe I could have helped. Been that one straw that kept him unbroken. I've been to that pit of despair and wanting it to just end. But there are too many could haves... Yet they're all making me feel like shit.
I remember he tried to help me with some of the things I was doing wrong a long time ago when I was newer. He really wanted to help me, but of course he was real blunt and critical about everything like I would expect of him. And I liked it. A couple times he even offered to see if he could get me into the group chats you all had on skype sometime. The best memory I have of him is one time he messages me out of the blue. It took me by surprise, and he knew it was going to be. He told me to look out the window and look up at the moon. It was a lunar eclipse that my eyes met. He explained to me that since he knew we lived in the same state I might be able to see it and thought to share the experience. It was a beautiful one... I wish I still had some of these conversations saved...
... Remembering that actually made me stop crying...
Knowing a few of you this is probably just a dump of words that's a waste of time to even look at... but I needed to say it all. Get it out of my system. Wish I had done it sooner.
So a belated goodbye, Crum. Hope you're doing well where ever you are.
User Title: Will make apocalypse themed fiction for food
Re: In Memoriam of DaCrum.
Sat Mar 23, 2013 9:22 am
Well, shit. I'm not sure what to say. Part of me is angry, for a number of reasons, but it wouldn't help anyone to vent it. Mostly, I feel for his family. They have to be going through some tough times.
Mr. Sefrol wrote:Knowing a few of you this is probably just a dump of words that's a waste of time to even look at... but I needed to say it all. Get it out of my system. Wish I had done it sooner.
It's not. It's special experience you had with him and it touched you, you learned from it, and you are welcome to express those thoughts. Thank you for that story, it made me smile.
I only really got to know DaCrum a few months ago when I played Halo 4 with him and Stuff. Those were some of the best, bad ass games of Halo I ever played. We dominated so many matches until the end, and he played incredibly... and was often the hood ornament of my Ghost. Anyways, I was thinking that sometime on the weekend of his birthday, which is September the 14th, of getting as many people together that knew him and playing some Halo 4. Anyone interested?
Shame I hadn't seen this sooner, I've been too disconnected from things lately. Crum was always a pretty cool guy, I felt similar to him in a few significant ways. Does anyone know if his family knows there's a whole forum, dozens of people, that are very sad to see him go? It might help his friends and family to know just how loved he was and how much of a positive effect he had on others. It's a shame I never saw him despite my proximity, but that's only a thing in hindsight, and such isolation is characteristic of myself anyways, so I can't really say I regret it even if the thought is nice. Though I'm not sure if he would've wanted his family to be reading through his stuff on Snafu (which would be a consequence of revealing us if we're relatively unknown to them); no one really writes their posts for their parents to view.
I don't judge him for his decision. He was a smart guy, and seemed philosophically aware. Maybe underlying emotions he couldn't control steered him in a direction he didn't really want, but if he was suffering enough to consider and follow through on suicide, I can't judge him as that is a pain I do not know. I hope his loved ones come out of this okay. No one chooses to hurt their loved ones like that, but the suffering he was going through must've forced him into picking the best of horrible options.
EagleMan wrote:He was a smart guy, and seemed philosophically aware. Maybe underlying emotions he couldn't control steered him in a direction he didn't really want, but if he was suffering enough to consider and follow through on suicide, I can't judge him as that is a pain I do not know...the suffering he was going through must've forced him into picking the best of horrible options.
You shouldn't. You can't prevent these things. I've had to talk two people out of suicide before. It's a big responsibility to take when the consequences are so high. I believe that for truly suicidal people, it may be inevitable. I believe that I only talked them out of a fantasy. They were considering it by circumstance, by maybe a rough year or too many bad relationships. Those things you can power through, those things you can wait out. DaCrum seemed to just have it in his heart though based on what I read. You can't help that. You can try, and you can hope he makes the journey himself. But to a suicidal person, you may feel like you're pointing your finger to the golden, shining path forked against another that is dark, and full of terror. But in their eyes they only see both paths as the dark path, and the shining path you point to is only a path that lasts another 50 or 60 years, while the other path gets you to the same place in a day.
I understand why you feel guilty though. Just to know you had tried when you saw anything that might've hinted towards it. I had a dog of mine die last year. He was acting odd, but he was otherwise a healthy dog and only 2 years old - the prime of his life. So we took him to the vet and got him checked out. The vet said yeah, he seems sick, but he couldn't find anything wrong with him; nothing indicative of anything life-threatening. And then he died that night. My mom was comforted deeply by the fact that she checked, because it would've been so much worse had they brushed that concern aside only to find out he died after that. But the thing is, checking him out didn't matter. It didn't lead to a change. He would've died either way. Might that've happened with DaCrum had you asked him about his post? I don't know, but given his history, how chronic and deep his conditioned seemed, it's unlikely anything might've changed from some probing question. Sometimes you can't change these things Russo. Obviously it would've been much more comforting had you done it but, sometimes these things happen. And it's alright. It's alright.
I didn't realize what had actually happened until after my post and I returned from work to continue reading. Afterwards I thought back and remembered some things he had said. He had problems for a quite some time. It actually bothers me that people physically around him did not seem to help him enough. I can't say for sure he was neglected, but I'm sure he could have been helped.
Sorry for posting about this, but I had not seen it mentioned. This whole ordeal just left me dazed when I bumped into it.