I like that thought.

It had stars and things around it. It was the same thing that was printed in his casket. It was her first tattoo and she wouldn't have gotten one at all if the circumstances weren't what they were... obviously. But yeah I can't even explain how much better I feel just in general. My mom spoke at the funeral and I was more than worried she was going to suck it up hardcore but she NAILED it. She gave such an amazing talk, just wow.

I'm worn out like you can't believe I'm going to bed.

On a less depressing note but also kinda scary. I just got not one but two HUGE website clients when I checked my e-mail. Kinda crazy just how big each is. Honestly if I do these two right I seriously may not work for the rest of the convention season and be FINE for monies. That would be great to just work on getting ready for shows. How exciting. But this is also assuming I "actually" get both jobs. I got recommended for both and I'm in talks with the two companies, but that's still not set in stone or anything. I wouldn't be surprised if one slipped through my fingers if not both. They're CRAZY big clients. I'm excited for even being aproached though honestly.

I accept.

But it was a really really good thing. I'm glad I got to talk about it first in a less emotional situation with people that didn't know John personally. I feel MUCH better now and I'm thinking being shut in alone time will end tomorrow. My friends I talked with said we were playing tennis tomorrow no matter what that I needed to get out of the house and get my mind off things. I agree. So I'm playing tennis tomorrow. Then I'm turning my phone on and I'm calling friends that knew John and I'm hanging out. I don't think I'm ready to full on talk about it with them but I want to do something with them. I have this imaginary barrier between me and real life at the moment and it's time for it to start to come down. Then by Thursday I want to talk about it and Friday maybe even get a bunch of friends together and have a full on discussion about John. Saturday is the funeral and I honestly believe if I can get through that it'll all be ok. I'll obviously always miss him much like I randomly miss Andy (my friend who died last year). But once the funeral is over the hard part will be over to. But I believe the initial shock needs to go away tomorrow or I'll be a wreck.

This is my plan and I'm sticking to it.

On a side note. I would really love to read a study of how the internet has effected how people cope with death. I've read so many comments on John's MySpace page that are written to John like he was reading them filled with inside jokes and situations that only John would know. I find it odd that people would write to the dead especially digitally and publicly. But then here I am ranting to myself in the middle of the night publicly and digitally. Seems wrong. But it also seems to help.

Well except for Prague they actually like the PS3.

Oh and TMNT WAS the best idea I've ever had.

I dorked it up so hardcore it was Cowabungarific.